Validation is the single greatest relationship tool for relationships of all types. If I could master only one skill, it would be validation. In short, validation is recognizing and honoring another person's experience. If you've ever seen the movie Avatar, the Na'vi greeting, "I see you," essentially meaning "I understand who you are," sums it up nicely. 

Validation deescalates a conflict faster than anything else because it is the opposite of arguing against someone. Feeling seen, heard, and understood helps people connect in a deeper way. Be patient with yourself when trying to use validating statements. This is a skill that takes practice, like any skill. But the payoff for the practice is worthwhile.

How to validate:

1) Check your righting reflex. Validation isn't about helping someone see the error in their thinking - in fact, that's invalidating - it's about meeting someone right where they are now. When you validate someone's experience, it does not mean you agree or that you believe their thoughts, feelings, or actions are justified. It simply means you are present and acknowledge their truth, as it is, here and now. 

2) Seek understanding. What emotions are they experiencing? What sensations do they hear, see, touch, etc.? What beliefs or interpretations of the event(s) led to these emotions? Does this situation remind them of another experience in their history? You may already know the answer to some of these but ask questions if you need.

3) Summarize the what and the why. Show that you understand their experience by reflecting it back out loud. Here is a simple formula to follow:

It makes sense to me that you feel _____________________________ 
because ______________________________________________________. 

Example:
It makes sense to me that you feel frustrated and hurt
because it seemed like your needs weren't important to me when I forgot to put away the dishes.

Further reading
Marsha Linehan's Six Levels of Validation

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, is a relationship self-improvement book for not only married couples but any type of romantic partnership. The book is based on decades of research by Dr. Gottman with thousands of married couples in his "Seattle Love Lab."  The Gottman Method style of couples therapy is based on this research and is one of the few evidence-based couples therapies in existence. This book is relatable, humorous, action-oriented, and - most importantly - it works. I have recommended this book as an adjunct to therapy for almost every couple I have seen.

A few of my favorite things about this book:

1. The principles progress from the ground up. You do get to the hard stuff but you don't start there. First, you work on strengthening the foundation of your relationship, the friendship, fostering warm feelings toward each other. It's as though you're strengthening your coping skills for when you start to address the difficult issues, so you are better equipped to deal with them. Later in the book you are invited to address those unresolved hot conflicts that have plagued your relationship for years, and actually get somewhere.

2. There are questionnaires and exercises in every chapter. After reading about the concepts, you have a chance to self-assess areas of your relationship with questionnaires. Who doesn't love self tests? Then, there are quick and fun activities to help you put those concepts to practice in your own relationship. You are not just reading, you're doing, and that feels like progress toward change and healing.

3. The Emotional Bank Account concept. The authors use the metaphor of a bank account to talk about balancing positive and negative interactions in a relationship. A traditional bank account can avoid being overdrawn as long as withdrawals do not exceed deposits. If you take $1 out, you have to put $1 in to retain your balance. This ratio does not hold true for the Emotional Bank Account. Through their research, they have found that for every one negative interaction (withdrawal), a couple needs to have at least five positive interactions (deposits) in order to stay in balance. It's easy to see what's wrong, but very important to see and express what's right.

4. There are solvable problems, and then there are perpetual problems. It is human nature to want to fix problems. Yet, not all problems are able to be fixed. The good news is that doesn't mean you're doomed for a lifetime of the same fight over and over. You learn to tell the difference between the solvable problems and the perpetual problems, and then learn the tools to deal with both kinds. Basically, how to solve the solvable problems and understand and avoid aggregating the perpetual problems, much like a bum knee. 

For more information about the Gottman Method, visit The Gottman Institute website.

Even if you don't suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a type of depression during the fall and winter, this is the time of year when the weather in many parts of the country has been dreary for months and can really get you down. Here are five simple, evidence-based acts to combat the blues or even just the blahs:

1. Turn on the light. Light therapy is a proven treatment for seasonal affective disorder and can be used for other types of depression, too. The light mimics natural light and is thought to affect chemicals in the brain to improve mood. It's a special type of light available to anyone, but follow the directions because it's meant to be on for short periods of time.
   
2. Go for a walk. Research has shown over and over that exercise is actually just as effective as antidepressants in treating depression. It doesn't matter what, or for how long, just move your body somehow. Put an appointment in your calendar to go for a walk around the block and honor it just as you would any other appointment. 
3. Fake laugh. Seriously! Even just making our bodies go through the motions of laughing sends signals to our brain that boost mood. And I don't mean "ha ha." I mean "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" So close your door and throw yourself into a giggle fit.
4. Pick your playlist. I think we can all relate to the power of song. Whether you prefer to listen to a sad song when you're feeling down ("Taylor Swift, you really get me") or a more uplifting song, it's really about what works for you. And if you can make the music yourself, even better.
5. Take a break from screen time. The average American has 8 1/2 hour of screen time a day. A day! That includes computers, television, smartphones, GPS navigation, and even in-cinema movies. And - get this - it's not kids who get the most screen time. Adults ages 45-55 average 9 1/2 hours daily! The link between screen time and depression is well-established. Try turning it all off, just for an evening.

Resources: 
American Music Therapy Association
Exercise for Depression (Cochrane review)
Laughter and Depression (review) & Laughter Yoga website
Light Therapy for SAD
Screen-Free Week: May 5-11, 2014
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Verilux HappyLight natural spectrum light (there are many options but this is a brand I know)

It is well-established that volunteering combats depression and boosts happiness, including this recent systematic review and meta-analysis of 26 studies on the matter. Giving to others gets us out of our heads and away from our own inner struggle. Putting our attention on helping others makes us feel less alone or even less bad-off than we realized. And, let's face it, it just feels good to contribute to a larger cause. 

So, in honor of Volunteer Week, here are 10 small ways to pay it forward today. Try one and notice how it makes you feel.

1. Pick up a piece of litter. 

2. Tip your barista/server/hairdresser a little extra.

3. Open the door for a stranger.

4. Write a letter and send it through snail mail.

5. Give a flower to each of your officemates.

6. Give a bottled water and a snack to a homeless person.

7. Let someone use your frequent shopper card who forgot theirs.

8. Go through your house and fill a bag to donate.

9. Leave encouraging post-it notes in random places.

10. Buy a coupon for a car wash and leave it on someone's window.

A question I'm often asked is, "What are the differences between all the different mental health professions?" There are therapists, psychotherapists, counselors, psychologists, clinical social workers, psychiatrists, LMFTs, LPCs, LCSWs, PhDs, PsyDs, MDs.... it's incredibly confusing! Allow me to break down the most common mental health professions for the state of Oregon.

Some of these titles are general and can refer to practitioners of all backgrounds. They include therapist, psychotherapist, and counselor. You may have also heard the term QMHP, which stands for Qualified Mental Health Professional, and encompasses several degrees and competencies. See the full list of requirements to be a QMHP in 
OAR 309-039-0510,

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Known for: Using a person-in-environment perspective, which means addressing both internal (thoughts, emotions) and external (environment - social, political, familial, economic, etc.) influences that affect a client's condition. Social workers often also have an interest in social justice and helping more vulnerable populations.
Education: Master of Social Work, which includes two years interning under supervision.
Clinical training: 3500 work hours, 2000 direct client hours, 100 hours meeting with clinical supervisor, then pass two exams
Ongoing requirements: 40 hours of continuing education courses reported every two years
Licensing board: Board of Licensed Social Workers

Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor (LMFT)
Known for: Specializing in working with couples and families using a systemic approach.
Education: Graduate degree with specific amounts of coursework related to marriage and family counseling as well as an internship. Several master of art, master of science, and master of education degrees meet the education criteria.
Clinical training: 2000 direct client hours, 2-3 hours/month meeting with clinical supervisor, then pass two exams.
Ongoing requirements: 20 hours of continuing education courses every year.
Licensing board: Board of Licensed Professional Counselors and Therapists

Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)
Known for: Using recognized counseling techniques with individuals, couples, groups, organizations, career counseling, and school counseling.
Education: Graduate degree with coursework related to counseling and career development. Several master of art, master of science, and master of education degrees meet the education criteria.
Clinical training: 2000 direct client hours, 2-3 hours/month meeting with clinical supervisor, then pass two exams.
Ongoing requirements: 20 hours of continuing education courses every year.
Licensing board: Board of Licensed Professional Counselors and Therapists

Licensed Psychologist
Known for: Psychological testing and diagnosing complicated cases.
Education: Doctoral degree in psychology (PhD or PsyD).
Clinical training: 1500 hours of residency providing psychological services, 2 hours meeting with a clinical supervisor for every 40 hours of psychological services, 2 hours of learning activities (case conferences, seminars, etc.) for every 40 hours of psychological services, then pass two exams.
Ongoing requirements: 50 hours of continuing education courses every two years.
Licensing board: Board of Psychologist Examiners

Psychiatrist 
Known for: Prescribing mental health medication, especially for complicated cases. 
Education: Doctor of Medicine (MD) or Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO).
Clinical training: Minimum three years post-graduate residency in psychiatry, then pass a minimum of three exams (several exam combinations are accepted). 
Ongoing requirements: 60 hours of continuing medical education courses every two years.
Licensing board: Oregon Medical Board