Did you know that shame is learned? We are not born knowing how to feel shame, we are taught. Shame is 
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of "wrong" or "foolish" behavior. It is the result of a judgement by ourselves - or by someone we admire - that we are not good enough in some way. We have all experienced shame at different times throughout our lives. For example, when my husband and I entered couples counseling because we were having difficulty in our relationship, I felt shame for not having relationship mastery as a therapist. I judged myself as not good enough.

Like all emotions, shame serves us and it has many functions. Sometimes shame works well for us. First, shame can function as a motivation to achieve. Many people work hard to avoid a shameful situation. Avoidance of failure (which would be shameful) is extremely motivating. Also, shame can communicate to and influence others. Facial expressions and body language are a hard-wired part of emotions. For example, if you are walked in on while using the toilet, you might try to cover up and hide yourself.  This communicates that you do not want a private act to be exposed, and influences the person to leave quickly and close the door. 

On the flip side, shame can also get in our way. Every emotion has an action urge, and shame's action urge is to hide, avoid, and shrink up. It's a sort of pushing ourselves away. If we're busy hiding and avoiding, we're certainly not taking any risks that may be necessary to grow and be our best selves. Also, shame is a result of a discrepancy of who we think we "should" be and who we really are. Our beliefs about who we "should" be may or may not be helpful, in fact, they might be self-defeating beliefs. They may be undermining our self-esteem. For example, a man believes that showing sadness is a sign of weakness, so when he cries at the loss of his dog he then also feels shame on top of the grief. With this in mind, it probably isn't a surprise that shame is highly correlated with depression and anxiety.

So what can we do about shame that isn't serving us?

The antidote is acceptance. Acceptance is the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered; a willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation. Acceptance is saying that We Are Enough.  Acceptance is challenging self-defeating beliefs. Acceptance is knowing that this situation and our reactions make sense, it's what is, at least for this moment in time. Acceptance is acknowledging that "failure" is just a stepping stone toward our goals. Acceptance is understanding that no person is perfect all of the time and having compassion for those parts of us that are not. Acceptance is an attitude of openness, a willing stance. Taking an opposite action to shame's action urge of hiding: being willing to be open and show our true selves without judgement. 

Try this exercise of a willing posture for acceptance:
1) Sit with your arms and legs uncrossed
2) Relax your body
3) Put your arms out, elbows slightly bent, with palms facing up
4) Tilt your chin slightly up and elongate your neck
4) Sit in this position for a minute or two and notice your thoughts and feelings. It is nearly impossible to feel shame.

Resources:
Brene' Brown's Listening to Shame TED Talk
Marsha Linehan's Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Emotion Regulation Module
 

The mind-body connection is both interesting and amazing. Often we can intervene on the mind to change the body, and intervene on the body to change the mind. With these two simple body positions, we're intervening on the body to stimulate a relaxation response in the mind.

The vagus nerve runs along the inside of the spine up to the brain and is one of the longest nerves in the human body. It runs up to the amygdala, which is the part of the brain responsible for processing fear and anxiety. The vagus nerve is also involved in regulating heart rate and blood pressure. Stimulation of the vagus nerve is an effective way to trigger a relaxation response. Here are two ways you can do that yourself:

1. Put your hands on your head like the man in the photo. This body position opens the ribcage allowing for the diaphragm to expand in deep breathing. The diaphragm puts pressure on the vagus nerve stimulating the relaxation response. Hold this position for two minutes.

2. Hook your arms over the back of your chair. Again, this body position opens the ribcage and allows you to breath deeply using your diaphragm. In fact, you can't help but use your diaphragm in this position. The diaphragm stimulates the vagus nerve and triggers the relaxation response. Hold this position for two minutes. 

Resources:
Retrain your stressed-out brain
Information and research on the amygdala's role in anxiety and anger here, here, here, and here

What do you see in this illustration? A young girl? Or an old woman? Or both? Most of us see one easily, and need more information to see the other. (Hint: the young girl's chin is the old woman's nose)

Our brains are wired to problem-solve, to fill in blanks, to put together puzzle pieces, and to make sense of things. Often this process happens so fast and so instinctually that we don't even notice we're doing it, let alone question the accuracy. In fact, this process happens with all of us, many times over, every single day. Our interpretations of events are informed from many sources: our upbringing, a similar event happening in our history, our education or professional background, relationships, culture, where we live, our mood in the moment, something that happened earlier in the day, etc. So when two people have different reactions to the same situation, this is why. Sometimes we label it a miscommunication or a misunderstanding. At minimum it's a blip on the radar and at maximum it's a big emotional response resulting in extreme behavior.


Consider the following scenarios. What are your interpretations? Are they accurate?

1) You're home alone with your infant. You've been up all night with her and you're exhausted and bleary-eyed. All of a sudden you see a strange man move across the backyard, and he's heading toward your house!  

A: It's the meter reader from the utility company.

2) You're driving to work, it's pouring rain, and you get a flat tire. You pull to the side of the road, get out, and get your car jack and spare tire from the trunk. As you're out in the rain getting ready to use the jack, you see your good friend drive by. You try to wave him down and he looks at you for a long moment but continues on. You know he saw you!

A: Your friend's dog is in the backseat, the dog was just hit by a car, and they are on their way to the hospital.

The antidote is a little bit of mindfulness and asking yourself, "What am I missing?" 
We will never know everything about a given situation, there are just too many variables in life. For example, we will never know exactly what it is like to be anyone else on the planet. Even if it is explained in seemingly simple terms, an interpretation still takes place based on the meaning we put onto words. Acknowledge and honor that there is more than one way to see the world.

• Begin by noticing when you have a strong emotional reaction to something, pause, and put your attention on it. 
  
• What interpretation of the event prompted your reaction? In other words, what thoughts were running through your head? 
• Now, look at the facts that you know. Observe and describe what you could see, touch, hear, taste, and smell. 
• What information were you missing? What are other possible interpretations of these facts? 

This exercise is most easily conducted in hindsight. Later, with practice, you will be able build more awareness in the moment and create opportunities to change course. 


Further reading:
The Cognitive Model
"Watching Your Mind" Mindfulness Exercise