Ending a relationship. Asking a friend to repay a loan. Critiquing a colleague's work. Asking in-laws to quit interfering. We've all had those moments when we needed to have a difficult conversation that makes our palms sweat with nervous anticipation. It seems like some people really have this skill down, whereas most of us struggle. We might even find a reason to avoid having the conversation at all, telling ourselves it's not really that important, when clearly it is. 

So what do you do? Having a plan helps to build confidence going into a crucial conversation. Try this format:

1. Get clear on what you truly want, then focus on that goal. If we just know we're upset but don't really know what we want, we flounder. It might be an objective to get money back that you loaned to a friend. Or it might be to turn down a request from a coworker without damaging the relationship. 

2. Get right to the point. Lengthy prefaces and explanations about the backstory just make the other person nervous and delays the inevitable. It's best to be clear and get right to the point.

3. Start with yourself. It's tempting to blame others for our position in stressful situations or failed communications. Starting with yourself is much easier to hear and a softer start-up to a difficult conversation.

4. Try a DEAR MAN. Thinking through the following acronym can really help improve clear, concise communication:
     
     Describe the situation. Stick to the facts. No judgements or interpretations. Ex: "My lease is up and I'm scheduled 
     to move in two weeks."
     Express your feelings and opinions. Ex: "I'm panicked because I don't have help and I don't think I can do it 
     myself."
     Assert your wishes. Ask for what you want or say no clearly. Be specific.  Ex: "Would you be willing to help me 
     move a week from Saturday at noon? I imagine it'll take about four hours."
     Reinforce the positive in the situation. Ex: "I would really appreciate it, and also, I'll buy lunch."

     (stay) Mindful and keep your focus on your goal. Don't be distracted to another topic. Ex: "So, can you help me 
     move?"
     Appear confident with tone of voice, body language, and maintaining eye contact. Don't look at the floor or speak 
     softly.
     Negotiate. Be willing to give in order to get. Ex: "What if we barter? I'll help you clean your gutters." 

Resources:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Interpersonal Effectiveness module

What do you see in this illustration? A young girl? Or an old woman? Or both? Most of us see one easily, and need more information to see the other. (Hint: the young girl's chin is the old woman's nose)

Our brains are wired to problem-solve, to fill in blanks, to put together puzzle pieces, and to make sense of things. Often this process happens so fast and so instinctually that we don't even notice we're doing it, let alone question the accuracy. In fact, this process happens with all of us, many times over, every single day. Our interpretations of events are informed from many sources: our upbringing, a similar event happening in our history, our education or professional background, relationships, culture, where we live, our mood in the moment, something that happened earlier in the day, etc. So when two people have different reactions to the same situation, this is why. Sometimes we label it a miscommunication or a misunderstanding. At minimum it's a blip on the radar and at maximum it's a big emotional response resulting in extreme behavior.


Consider the following scenarios. What are your interpretations? Are they accurate?

1) You're home alone with your infant. You've been up all night with her and you're exhausted and bleary-eyed. All of a sudden you see a strange man move across the backyard, and he's heading toward your house!  

A: It's the meter reader from the utility company.

2) You're driving to work, it's pouring rain, and you get a flat tire. You pull to the side of the road, get out, and get your car jack and spare tire from the trunk. As you're out in the rain getting ready to use the jack, you see your good friend drive by. You try to wave him down and he looks at you for a long moment but continues on. You know he saw you!

A: Your friend's dog is in the backseat, the dog was just hit by a car, and they are on their way to the hospital.

The antidote is a little bit of mindfulness and asking yourself, "What am I missing?" 
We will never know everything about a given situation, there are just too many variables in life. For example, we will never know exactly what it is like to be anyone else on the planet. Even if it is explained in seemingly simple terms, an interpretation still takes place based on the meaning we put onto words. Acknowledge and honor that there is more than one way to see the world.

• Begin by noticing when you have a strong emotional reaction to something, pause, and put your attention on it. 
  
• What interpretation of the event prompted your reaction? In other words, what thoughts were running through your head? 
• Now, look at the facts that you know. Observe and describe what you could see, touch, hear, taste, and smell. 
• What information were you missing? What are other possible interpretations of these facts? 

This exercise is most easily conducted in hindsight. Later, with practice, you will be able build more awareness in the moment and create opportunities to change course. 


Further reading:
The Cognitive Model
"Watching Your Mind" Mindfulness Exercise

Validation is the single greatest relationship tool for relationships of all types. If I could master only one skill, it would be validation. In short, validation is recognizing and honoring another person's experience. If you've ever seen the movie Avatar, the Na'vi greeting, "I see you," essentially meaning "I understand who you are," sums it up nicely. 

Validation deescalates a conflict faster than anything else because it is the opposite of arguing against someone. Feeling seen, heard, and understood helps people connect in a deeper way. Be patient with yourself when trying to use validating statements. This is a skill that takes practice, like any skill. But the payoff for the practice is worthwhile.

How to validate:

1) Check your righting reflex. Validation isn't about helping someone see the error in their thinking - in fact, that's invalidating - it's about meeting someone right where they are now. When you validate someone's experience, it does not mean you agree or that you believe their thoughts, feelings, or actions are justified. It simply means you are present and acknowledge their truth, as it is, here and now. 

2) Seek understanding. What emotions are they experiencing? What sensations do they hear, see, touch, etc.? What beliefs or interpretations of the event(s) led to these emotions? Does this situation remind them of another experience in their history? You may already know the answer to some of these but ask questions if you need.

3) Summarize the what and the why. Show that you understand their experience by reflecting it back out loud. Here is a simple formula to follow:

It makes sense to me that you feel _____________________________ 
because ______________________________________________________. 

Example:
It makes sense to me that you feel frustrated and hurt
because it seemed like your needs weren't important to me when I forgot to put away the dishes.

Further reading
Marsha Linehan's Six Levels of Validation

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, is a relationship self-improvement book for not only married couples but any type of romantic partnership. The book is based on decades of research by Dr. Gottman with thousands of married couples in his "Seattle Love Lab."  The Gottman Method style of couples therapy is based on this research and is one of the few evidence-based couples therapies in existence. This book is relatable, humorous, action-oriented, and - most importantly - it works. I have recommended this book as an adjunct to therapy for almost every couple I have seen.

A few of my favorite things about this book:

1. The principles progress from the ground up. You do get to the hard stuff but you don't start there. First, you work on strengthening the foundation of your relationship, the friendship, fostering warm feelings toward each other. It's as though you're strengthening your coping skills for when you start to address the difficult issues, so you are better equipped to deal with them. Later in the book you are invited to address those unresolved hot conflicts that have plagued your relationship for years, and actually get somewhere.

2. There are questionnaires and exercises in every chapter. After reading about the concepts, you have a chance to self-assess areas of your relationship with questionnaires. Who doesn't love self tests? Then, there are quick and fun activities to help you put those concepts to practice in your own relationship. You are not just reading, you're doing, and that feels like progress toward change and healing.

3. The Emotional Bank Account concept. The authors use the metaphor of a bank account to talk about balancing positive and negative interactions in a relationship. A traditional bank account can avoid being overdrawn as long as withdrawals do not exceed deposits. If you take $1 out, you have to put $1 in to retain your balance. This ratio does not hold true for the Emotional Bank Account. Through their research, they have found that for every one negative interaction (withdrawal), a couple needs to have at least five positive interactions (deposits) in order to stay in balance. It's easy to see what's wrong, but very important to see and express what's right.

4. There are solvable problems, and then there are perpetual problems. It is human nature to want to fix problems. Yet, not all problems are able to be fixed. The good news is that doesn't mean you're doomed for a lifetime of the same fight over and over. You learn to tell the difference between the solvable problems and the perpetual problems, and then learn the tools to deal with both kinds. Basically, how to solve the solvable problems and understand and avoid aggregating the perpetual problems, much like a bum knee. 

For more information about the Gottman Method, visit The Gottman Institute website.